Silicon Valley's (totally not a cult) Ideologies

Silicon Valley has a rich thriving intellectual ecosystem, just like a septic tank. But for the outsider, it can be hard to make sense of all the thriving intellectual flora taking bloom. So here is a guide to the major schools of thought dominating modern tech culture these days:

Neoreaction

Rich dudes who think democracy sucks and want kings back. They hate equality and progress, and think the Dark Ages were actually lit. Basically edgy contrarians who'd rather bow to a monarch than deal with messy democracy.

Effective Altruism

Rich nerds trying to feel better about themselves by throwing ill-gotten gains at problems. They crunch numbers to decide which causes are trendy enough to support. Basically a fancy way to say "I'm helping!" while rationalizing fraud. But hey, at least some of that stolen FTX money went to charity. Turns out with enough utilitarian calculus, you can justify anything!

Cypherpunks

Privacy zealots who think encryption will save us from the surveillance state, even if it means burning down democracy in the process. They'd rather see the world descend into crypto-anarchy than let the NSA read their anime fanfiction. Everything must be sacrificed on the altar of privacy - your convenience, your safety, even basic human cooperation. But hey, at least the government won't know what kind of hentai you're into while society collapses! They're basically digital doomsday preppers with PGP keys.

Longtermism

Nerds with savior complexes who think they can save humanity by obsessing over calculations about hypothetical future people. As if apparently the billions alive now aren't enough to deal with. But hey, why solve the problems of real people today when you can jerk off to the idea of dyson spheres thirty thousand years in the future?

Crypto-maximalists

Crypto bros who think they're saving the world from "central bankers" (totally not a dog whistle), but really they're just gambling addicts with a messiah complex. They've mixed Austrian economics drivel with vaping and doomsday prepping, and think their magic internet money will save them from the collapse of society (and the internet) and make them into kings of the apocalypse.

Crypto Aristopopulism

Digital feudal lords selling lottery tickets to the precariat while calling it "financial empowerment." They've figured out how to monetize desperation by convincing people that gambling on magic internet money is their only escape from wage slavery. Nothing says late capitalism quite like tech oligarchs preaching "democratization of finance" while building elaborate Ponzi schemes to extract the last drops of wealth from the working class. They promise revolution but deliver digital company scrip, turning poverty into a play-to-earn game where the house always wins. At least the feudal lords of old were honest about owning everything - these ones do it while tweeting about "community" from their penthouse in Dubai.

Effectve Accelerationism

Nerds on steroids who think AI will solve everything. They call skeptics "doomers" and jerk off to the idea of becoming space gods. Some Silicon Valley bigwigs jumped on the bandwagon after having a come-to-Roko's-Basilisk epiphany on the road to Burning Man and realized the crazy train shouldn't have any brakes. All aboard the Techno-Capital Extinction express!

Techno-presentism

Nerds who think we're living through a crisis of historicity, where modernity has lost its sense of temporal orientation. They think we're stuck in a "presentist" regime - obsessed with the immediate and unable to imagine real futures or learn from the past. Their solution? Destroy liberalism and bring back those sweet, sweet grand narratives about humanity's destiny, but make it tech-bro. Think "Lord of the Rings" meets "Silicon Valley", where democracy is totally passé and tech CEOs are the new philosopher kings. Because nothing says "solving the crisis of meaning" quite like LARPing as a Borgia prince while writing manifestos on Substack.

Thielism

Nerds who think we're all just mimetic lemmings chasing after whatever everyone else wants and the only way out is the abstract idea of Jesus, but minus the whole "love thy neighbor" thing. And the only way to be truly original is to become a billionaire vampire who funds right-wing populists and builds apocalypse bunkers in New Zealand while warning that the UN is literally the antichrist. Because nothing says "I'm not like other girls" quite like trying to destroy liberal democracy while prepping for the end times.

Muskism

Techno-feudalists who worship a billionaire shitposter as humanity's savior. Followers dream of becoming space peasants in Musk's Mars fiefdom while defending his divine right to manipulate markets on Twitter. It's like Silicon Valley created its own prosperity gospel where "disruption" means bringing back company towns and indentured servitude. They're basically speedrunning the creation of a corporate feudal state while calling it "saving humanity."

Simulationists

Nerds who think we're NPCs in a video game. Some hippie named Nick came up with their core argument after too many bong rips: either we can't make simulations, we don't wanna, or like ... we're in one dude. And if future nerds can make more epic video games indefinitely, we're probably in one. But it doesn't matter and we can't know, so just go touch grass and get a life.

Postliberalism

When you're tired of avocado toast and want to bring back the good ol' days of community values and state-mandated morality. It's like liberalism, but with more Jesus and less weed. Proponents think free markets and individual rights are overrated, and what we really need is Big Brother telling us how to live our best lives. Comes in both leftist and right-wing flavors, united by a shared nostalgia for when people knew their place and didn't ask so many pesky questions.

Rationalism

Nerds who think they're Spock. They worship data and algorithms like a secular deity, convinced they can solve everything with enough hand-waving about Bayes theorem. Critics say they're missing the forest for the trees, ignoring pesky things like ethics and human emotions but you should never let the facts get in the way of a good regression. They love living in glorified frat houses, swapping partners like Pokémon cards, and having deep philosophical debates about expected value of eugenics while getting high.

Crypto-libertarianism

Tinfoil hat enthusiasts who think Dogecoin and JPEGs of apes will solve world hunger and overthrow governments. They're super into market astrology (i.e. technical analysis), hate central banks, and worship at a shrine of Micahel Saylor in their parent's basement. For whatever the question is, the answer is "Bitcoin solves it!" Just don't ask them how to actually use it for anything useful.

Techno-libertarianism

Nerds who think the internet should be a lawless Wild West. They hate government meddling and love "meritocracy" (aka the already rich calling the shots). Basically, they want a digital free-for-all with minimal rules and maximum profit potential while retreating into doomsday bunkers while the rest of the world burns.

Corporate-libertarianism

Tech nerds who think crypto and algorithms will let them dodge taxes and regulations while they fantasize about Ayn Rand. They want tech billionaires running everything and dream of a world where money is god and pesky things like governments and unions are extinct. Basically, they're drunk on market fundamentalism and think the world would be far better off with Zuckerberg as god emperor of Earth.

Solarpunk

Hippies with solar panels who think we can save the world by hugging trees and building eco-communes. It's like cyberpunk, but replace the neon and dystopia with flowers and kumbaya. Basically, it's what happens when sci-fi nerds discover gardening and decide capitalism is, like, totally unsustainable, man.

Transhumanism

Nerds obsessed with ditching their meat suits and turning themselves into walking iPhones. They can't wait to ditch their flesh and prehensile paws for the cold purity of chrome and circuits. One part tech cult, one part midlife crisis.

Millenarianism

Nerds who think the end is always just around the corner, whether it's financial collapse or the second coming of cyber-Jesus. They spend their days writing manifestos about how [current year] is definitely THE year everything collapses. When the world doesn't end on schedule, they just move the goalposts and double down on their predictions. It's like a death cult for people with too much time on their hands and not enough therapy. At least the Heaven's Gate cult had the decency to pick one apocalypse and stick with it.

Anarcho-primitivism

"Ooga booga, civilization bad! Let's ditch our phones and go live in caves!" These folks think we should abandon everything since the Stone Age. No more farming, no more tech, just vibing with nature and hoping we don't get eaten by bears. They blame agriculture for all our problems and think we'd be happier if we just went back to hunting mammoths or whatever.

Techno-utopianism

Tech nerds who think gadgets will save the world. They dream of a future where robots do all the work and we live forever. Sure, tech might cause some issues, but who cares? It's all sunshine and rainbows in their silicon-powered fantasyland. Just don't burst their bubble by mentioning things like history or actual human nature.

Declinism

Nerds who think everything is getting worse and secretly hope it does. They doomscroll through collapse porn and write manifestos about how society is totally falling apart this time, for real. It's like they're trying to speedrun societal collapse by willing it into existence through sheer negativity. They've turned hopelessness into an aesthetic and depression into an ideology. At least other doomers try to prep - these folks just want front row seats to watch it all burn.

Extropianism

Nerds who think science will make them immortal. They're all about elevating the world's consciousness and expanding into the "noosphere". It's like Scientology for techies who think the Kremlin is just misunderstood.

Singularitarianism

Nerds who think super-smart AI god is coming soon and we should make it play nice. Unlike other tech prophets, they actually want this to happen. Some even dedicate their lives to speeding it up "safely", despite simultaneously believeing it will cause total extinction. It's like a religion, but with more cognitive dissonance and GPUs. Feel the AGI, Amen.

AI Doomerism

Paranoid nerds who think AI god is just around the corner but think stoking fear generates more retweets. They spend their days frantically writing apocolpyse porn on Substack about how we're all going to die because ChatGPT memorized how many R's there are in the word "strawberry". Their solution? More AI of course! Because nothing helps prevent fire like pouring gasoline on the fire.

Grey Tribe

Self-proclaimed intellectual refugees from the culture war who are definitely not just libertarians. They've optimized their way out of joy - surviving on Soylent and paleo while writing insufferable manifestos about how the NSA is literally 1984 and drugs should be legal (but only the ones they like). They uber everywhere while listening to folk songs about spaceships and pretending to understand Slate Star Codex posts. They're not left or right wing - they're just above it all, which they'll remind you of constantly while passive-aggressively sighing about how identity politics is ruining their ability to be smugly contrarian about everything.

Trumpism

A cult of personality for orange-tinted narcissists. Mix one part racism, two parts conspiracy theories, and a dash of Christian hypocrisy. Shake vigorously with fear-mongering and serve chilled to gullible masses. Side effects may include crowd size dysfunction and severe cognitive dissonance.

Techno-optimism

Technology will save us all! Just look at how smartphones solved world hunger and social media brought about world peace. Clearly, AI and gene editing will fix climate change, cure cancer, and make everyone rich. Who needs critical thinking when we can have 37 iterations of the same iPhone?

Synthetic Technocracy

Fancy term for letting AI run everything. Basically, handing over the keys to Skynet and hoping it doesn't decide to redecorate with human skulls. Perfect for folks who dream of being brainless meat puppets in a Matrix-style pod, high on computer-supplied happy juice while robots play dress-up with their limp bodies. Living the dream, right?

Christian Nationalism

Basically, Christian nationalists want Jesus and MAGA to have a baby, but in a totally heteronormative way. They're like fundamentalists on steroids, with a side of white power and a sprinkle of "God wrote the Constitution." They're not quite the same as the Bible-thumpers who want pastors running the country. These folks think the Founding Fathers were basically God's stenographers, so they'll happily vote for a sleazeball if he promises to own the libs.

Metamodernism

When hipsters got bored of being ironic and decided to be earnest again, but like, ironically. It's the cultural equivalent of wearing a vintage t-shirt under a tailored blazer while sipping artisanal coffee and listening to vinyl. Basically, it's trying to have your avocado toast and eat it too.

Decentralizationists

Imagine the internet, but with Ponzi schemes as a first class protocol. And also what if your browser history was on a permanent public blockchain so grandma could see what kind of kinky shit you're into? Decentralized protocol are just like regular tech, except they don't work and there's a 100% chance of losing all your money unless you have NSA-level opsec. Don't worry, though – your expensive broken link to a JPEG of a bored monkey will definitely be worth a trillion dollars ... someday.

Biohackers

When writing buggy Javascript isn't enough, so you decide to hack your own DNA the way nature intended. If you like like popping 50 supplements and think injecting yourself with CRISPR kits bought from strangers on eBay will turn you into a superhuman mutant, then biohacking is for you! Spoiler alert: at best it gives you expensive pee, at worst it gives you a free Darwin Award.

4chan Nihilism

When basement-dwelling edgelords discover Nietzsche through memes and decide everything is meaningless. They spend their days posting racist frog pictures and complaining about society while contributing nothing to it. Their philosophy is basically "nothing matters, so I might as well be awful."