Stephen Diehl

Listicle of Buddhist Lists

Buddhism has more lists than a Buzzfeed article. Inspired by the List of Buddhist Lists, here are the Buddha's teachings as millennial listicles. Plus or minus some bad puns.

Mindfulness:

  1. Noticing your brain is completely bonkers right now, and being surprisingly okay with it.

Types of Truthbombs:

  1. Conventional - Truths you should give a shit about.
  2. Ultimate - Truths that don't give a shit about you.

Four Shower Thoughts:

  1. 😱 - Everything's gonna die and disintegrate. And ain't nothing you can do about it.
  2. 🤷‍ - Chillax, because that's just how reality is and it literally couldn't be any other way.
  3. 🤔 - And actually, wanting it to be any other way is crazeballs.
  4. 😃 - But don't worry, because there's four weird truths that make it all better.

Buddha's Four Noble OG Truthbombs:

  1. Life sucks.
  2. You want stuff.
  3. Stop wanting stuff.
  4. There's eight cool life hacks to stop wanting stuff.

Buddha's Eightfold Life Hacks:

  1. See shit clearly
  2. Think less stupid thoughts
  3. Don't be an asshole when you talk
  4. Do good stuff, not bad stuff
  5. Get a job that doesn't screw people over
  6. Try not to suck so much
  7. Pay attention to the now
  8. Chill out and focus

Eight ... Oh Look, a Squirrel!:

  1. Praise - Getting your ego stroked until it purrs, then wondering why it still feels empty
  2. Blame - Everyone's favorite game of hot potato where you're always "it"
  3. Loss - The universe's way of teaching detachment through involuntary item donation
  4. Gain - Acquiring stuff that will eventually become someone else's Loss
  5. Pleasure - Temporary happiness with an expiration date shorter than milk
  6. Pain - Life's persistent reminder that you have a body, whether you want one or not
  7. Fame - Being known by people who don't actually know you
  8. Ill-fame - When your reputation enters a room five minutes before you do

Five Things You Think Is "You" But Isn't:

  1. Form (Rupa) - The meat vehicle you're temporarily renting from the universe
  2. Feeling (Vedana) - That split-second "ooh" or "ew" before your brain overthinks everything
  3. Perception (Sañña) - Your mind's labeling system that's convinced a designer logo means happiness
  4. Mental Formations (Sankhara) - The mental Netflix of thoughts, emotions, and that embarrassing thing you said in sixth grade
  5. Consciousness (Viññana) - The awareness that's watching this whole cosmic sitcom unfold

Five Things That Will F*ck You Up:

  1. Sensual Desire - When your mantra becomes "om my god, look at that butt"
  2. Anger and Ill-will - Plotting revenge fantasies instead of counting breaths
  3. Sloth and Torpor - Meditation position: human puddle
  4. Restlessness and Remorse - Your mind doing parkour between yesterday's embarrassments and tomorrow's anxieties
  5. Skeptical Doubt - "Is this working? Am I enlightened yet? Hello? Is my sound on? Anyone?"

Buddha's Big No-No List:

  1. No Killing - Keeping all beings alive, even that spider that's definitely plotting against you
  2. No Stealing - If it's not yours, don't make it yours (yes, that includes your roommate's leftovers)
  3. No Sketchy Sex - Keep your bedroom drama-free and consent-based
  4. No Lying - Your pants aren't actually on fire, but your karma will be
  5. No Intoxicants - Skip the substances that make you think 3AM texts to your ex are a good idea

Triple Troubles:

  1. Greed - Wanting more stuff than your closet can hold, then buying a bigger closet
  2. Hatred - When your inner temperature runs hotter than your hot yoga class
  3. Delusion - Thinking Instagram is real life (spoiler: it's not)

Three Marks of eXistenZ:

  1. Impermanence (anicca) - Everything changes.
  2. Suffering (dukkha) - Life sucks.
  3. Not-Self (anatta) - You're nothin', and you're gonna suffer until you realize you're nothin'.

Meditation for Dummies:

  1. You sit and think about how you aren't your thoughts.
  2. If you think really hard about your thoughts, you'll observe you (are) overthinking (you).

Gnarly Dependent Origination:

  1. The universe is one big ocean, the waves come and go.
  2. Sometimes, you just have to go with the waves. Live to surf, surf to live.
  3. Waves don't start or end, they just be vibin'.
  4. A surfer may be removed from the surf, but the wave cannot be removed from the surfer.

Ten Easy-ish Vibe Checks:

  1. Generosity - Give away your stuff until your friends think you've joined a cult
  2. Morality - Not being a jerk, even when no one's watching
  3. Renunciation - Ghosting your possessions before they can ghost you
  4. Wisdom - Realizing you know nothing, and being weirdly cool with it
  5. Energy - Showing up for meditation at 5am while your roommates are still in drunk sleep
  6. Patience - Waiting for your Amazon package without refreshing the tracking page every 5 minutes
  7. Truthfulness - Telling your friend their new haircut looks "interesting" instead of "tragic"
  8. Determination - Still meditating even when your legs feel like they're being eaten by fire ants
  9. Unconditional Love - Caring about people who post political rants on Facebook
  10. Equanimity - Staying chill when life throws you curveballs, fastballs, or just straight-up hits you with the bat

Nirvana:

  1. Fancy word for not giving a shit about self anymore and peacin' out, cuz yo' realize the u in 'you' was never actually you at all, yo.